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  • Writer's pictureD. Randall Faro

47.8 Percent

Statistics. Bean counters come up with ones such as:

- Anchovies devour 28% of their own progeny.

(I snorkeled through a school once. By my count it was 29%.)

- The global rate for washing hands after using the toilet is under 20%.

(Who’s peeking?)

- The average American eats nearly 13 pounds of ice cream per year.

(I know people who at least double that.)

- Americans collectively receive about 2.4 billion "robocalls" per month.

(Half of those came to my home last month.)

- One in four Americans surveyed think the sun orbits around the earth,

(One in four Americans need to take remedial science classes.)

- Only 6% of all coupons printed are ever redeemed.

(Please send your unwanted ones to me.)

- 19% of men say they wouldn't mind being stupid as long as they had the perfect body.

(That’s just stupid.)

- A person blinks ten million times every year.

(I’ve been counting since January 1st.)

The above stats were garnered, of course, from the WorldWideWeb . . . which we all know is statistically perfect. (But don’t’ forget: 47.8% of all statistics are made up.) Nevertheless, it’s fun to muse on who compiles these numbers, and how they obtain them. Anchovy chasers . . . bathroom voyeurs . . . coupon counters . . . spiers of anti-Copernicans . . . et al. They must have fun devising devious observation and computation techniques so that we have fun reading about them.

My pre-New Years Resolutions resolutions:

- Reduce my anchovy intake for conservation’s sake.

- Consistently wash my hands after using the toilet.

- Cut back to 12 pounds of ice cream in 2024

- Refuse to answer robocalls.

- Study astronomy.

- Faithfully use all my coupons. (Except for dog food. I don’t have a dog.)

- Work on catching up my body to my intelligence.

- Try to blink less. (Which likely means taking more naps.)

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